When someone says, “I was raped”...
A person who has been victimized often confides in a person they know and like a friend, roommate, family member, boyfriend/girlfriend, RA or professor. A survivor may choose to disclose their experience for a variety of reasons, so if you are this person, responding compassionately can make all the difference in their recovery. Here are some ways to do it:
Check Needs: 1,2,3...
1st: What are your needs/ boundaries? (If supporting a survivor is beyond then boundaries of your ability to help, if you are unable to assist at the time the survivor approaches, or if you have personal reasons that might interfere with your response to this person, express your appreciation of their trust in you and express your boundaries in this regard. You may make a referral to the SARC and offer to accompany the survivor to SARS if they would like to.)
2nd: Ask yourself questions such as: What are the immediate needs of the survivor? Does he/she need medical attention? A safe place to go? Someone to talk to?
3rd: Recognize that you have been assaulted too. We can’t help but be hurt when someone we care about is suffering. Some common feelings may include, sadness, confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, guilt, disappointment, shock, anxiety, desperation and compassion. These emotions may be hard to work out alone. Those who are able to take care of their own needs can provide better support for someone they care about.
Listen to the survivor:
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Listen empathically and without judgement: believe them
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Create a safe space and build feelings of trust and safety
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Maintain confidentiality: This is essential for both the trust and safety of a rape survivor. His or her trust has already been violated in a deeply damaging way. Please respect the survivor’s confidences and do not discuss the situation with anyone without her or his permission.
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Give the survivor every consideration you would for anyone facing a serious life trauma. (Be aware that some survivors cope with the assault by maintaining an almost emotionless demeanor – If the survivor isn’t crying or visibly upset, do not assume the problem isn’t a serious one.)
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Give the survivor the freedom to choose a path of recovery that is most comfortable for them. Remember, there is no one “right” way for a person to respond after they have been assaulted
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Express gratitude, saying that you realize this is a difficult thing to share and you appreciate the courage it takes to make the first step toward recovery.
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Note: Please do not assume that touch will be comforting to a survivor. Ask the survivor before you hug, hold their hand, etc. Give them the space they need without taking their distance personally.
LISTENING IS NOT Interrupting, yelling, injecting your feelings, changing the subject , or making light of the situation.
GIVE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT:
- Affirm the survivor’s choice is telling you and assure the survivor that you will help in any way that you can and that you will respect their confidentiality
- Help them see that no one ever deserves to be assaulted. (Many survivors feel responsible for what happened to them. Rapists, not victims, are responsible for rape.)
- Some of the simplest responses are also the most helpful such as: “I believe you” · “I’m sorry that it happened” · “It wasn’t your fault” · “You did the best you could”
EMPOWER THE SURVIVOR:
- Let the survivor tell you what she/he need to and set the pace
- Don’t press for more information than she or he is comfortable giving
- Do not make choices for the survivor, rather help the survivor to see his/her choices
- Tell her or him that although the experience was traumatic, recovery and healing are possible, help is available and can make a difference
Survivors have choices and may consider exploring the following:
- Medical Attention (not including forensic exam)
- Forensic Examination
- Police contact/ reporting the assault
- Reporting to the University
- Telling family and significant others
- Seeking professional counseling/therapy
ACTIONS THAT ARE DISEMPOWERING INCLUDE:
- Giving advice or making decisions for the survivor
- Talking about what you would have done or what the survivor should have done
Asking questions that could be interpreted as blaming such as: Why didn’t you fight back? What were you wearing? Why did you go to that party? etc.
- Pressing for details
- Doubting the survivor’s experience. (It is not your role to question whether a rape occurred, but simply to respond compassionately to the survivor seeking your help.)
Stages of recovery:
After a week or two, most survivors try to resume their normal routines. Some survivors may not want to do anything alone, others may insist of going out alone to prove to themselves that they can. Survivors may experience headaches, nightmares, insomnia, paranoia, and depression after an assault, which can take a long time to subside. As the months pass, survivors incorporate the assault into their lives much the way people come to terms with the death of a loved one.
Making love again:
Like all decisions in response to rape, deciding when and what level of intimacy is appropriate should be left up to the survivor. Some survivors do not want to engage in sexual activity for quite awhile, while others may want to be sexual right away. Many survivors invite tenderness and affection - kissing, caressing, massage - but are not comfortable with sexual intimacy for a long time. Partners can assure survivors that they are desirable and that they will have a healthy sex life... when the survivor is ready.